'The Build-Up To' Charmeded: Series Three
by kaytee83
Summary: Okay, so this has so many chapters without actually being the series, I hella may as well just change the title to make more sense. I WANT YOU TO BEG FOR IT MWA HA HA!!! Two words - milking it.
1. The Ad

BLACK. SFX: A HEARTBEAT IS HEARD. IT IS SLOW AND RHYTHMIC. IT BEATS ONCE. AN IMAGE OF PRUE IS FADED IN AND OUT OF THE SCREEN. IT BEATS AGAIN. AN IMAGE OF PIPER IS FADED IN AND OUT. IT BEATS AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. THEN PHOEBE'S IMAGE IS QUICKLY FLAHED ON SCREEN, LIKE SOMEONE FORGOT ABOUT HER (AHEM). THEN, WITH EACH HEARTBEAT, A SERIES OF PICTURES OF THE THREE SISTERS TOGETHER FLASH UP AS A VOICE TALKS OVER THEM.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Prue. The eldest, claimed strongest, powerful. Piper. Emotional, loving, has long hair. Phoebe. The youngest. The most flamboyant, energetic, and unashamedly stupid one. These three sisters, the Charmeded Ones, once fought together against evil, demons, and Leo wearing pink... unmentionables. Then, something happened. They were separated.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
Int. MANOR KITCHEN.  
  
PRUE: Where're you going?  
PHOEBE: The past.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE THREE SISTERS JUMP INTO A BLUE PORTAL AND DISAPPEAR.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
A BLUE PORTAL OPENS OVER A FIELD.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
A BLUE PORTAL OPENS OVER A STAGE.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
A BLUE PORTAL OPENS IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
FIELD. PHOEBE FALLS OUT THE PORTAL.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
STAGE. PIPER FALLS OUT THE PORTAL.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
HELL. PRUE FALLS OUT THE PORTAL.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
A THREE WAY SPLIT SCREEN, EACH SHOWING THE SISTERS LOOKING AROUND, CONFUSED.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Somehow, some way through time, they got separated on their way into the past, and now must face the consequences.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MAUSOLEUM. LEO AND COLE ARE IN ANIMATED CONVERSATION.  
  
LEO: We've gotta get them back!  
COLE: But how?  
LEO: Well that's what we've gotta ffffffind out. We only have 72 hours.  
COLE: What?  
  
CLOSE UP ON LEO.  
  
LEO: Because that's when Satan will rise.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Three sisters gone three separate ways, with only three days in which to bring them back.  
  
THAT BASS MUSIC FROM THE MATRIX WHEN THEY'RE SHOOTING ALL THOSE GUARDS STARTS.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MANOR. COLE IS PACING AND LEO IS WATCHING.  
  
COLE: Why aren't They helping us?  
  
CUT TO:   
  
FIELD. NIGHT. PHOEBE IS RUNNING.  
  
PHOEBE: Prue? Piper? Where are you?  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MANOR.  
  
LEO: They say it's not meant to be!  
  
CUT TO:   
  
HELL. PRUE IS RUNNING.  
  
PRUE: Piper? Phoebe? Help me!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
STAGE. PIPER IS TAKING A BOW. THEN SHE JUMPS OFFSTAGE AND STARTS RUNNING.  
  
PIPER: Prue? Phoebe!   
  
VOICE OVER GUY: So now you know their names.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
Int. MANOR.  
  
COLE: So Satan is gonna rise and we can't do a god damn thing about it? Screw that!  
  
CUT TO:   
  
HELL. PRUE IS FIGHTING A DEVIL TYPE GUY. SHE KICKS HIM GOOD.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
MANOR.   
  
COLE: (shouting) Then we're just gonna have to get them back without Their god damn help! We're gonna have to...  
  
CUT TO:  
  
STREET. NIGHT. PIPER IS RUNNING AROUND WHEN A DEMON JUMPS OUT AND THROWS AN ENERGY BOLT AT HER.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
FIELD. NIGHT. PHOEBE IS WALKING BACKWARDS, CHECKING BEHIND HER, AND WALKS INTO A TREE. A DEMON DROPS DOWN FROM THE TREE AND SWINGS IT'S ARM, WHICH IS A SWORD (OKAY THEN) AT HER. SHE DUCKS, AND IT THUNKS INTO THE TREE.  
  
PHOEBE: Ahhh Prue!  
  
THE MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MANOR. CLOSE UP ON COLE.  
  
COLE: We're gonna have to work together.  
  
BAM! THE MUSIC STARTS AGAIN.  
  
A SERIES OF FLASHES HIT THE SCREEN, OF THE SISTERS FIGHTING PEOPLE, OF THEM SITTING IN MEDITATION WITH BLUE ENERGY LIGHT SURROUNDING, THEN SUDDENLY.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MANOR. THE CAMERA CLOSES UP ON LEO.  
  
LEO: Noooooooooooooooo!  
  
SUDDENLY, THE CHARMEDED TITLE SCREEN APPEARS. THE MUSIC CHANGES TO 'ATTITUDE' BY ALIEN ANT FARM (YOU KNOW, THAT COOL GUITAR OPENING)  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Charmeded: The Show That Is Almost Charmed But Not Quite... is back.   
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. MANOR. CLOSE UP ON PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: We have got to stop this.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
HELL. WE SEE THE BACK OF A LARGE CHAIR, BUT NOT WHO IS IN IT. A DEMON ENTERS AND BOWS IN FRONT OF IT.  
  
PIPER(OS - off screen): But how?  
  
DEVIL: It is almost time to rise master.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MANOR. CLOSE UP ON PRUE.  
  
PRUE: There's only one way. We fight. We fight until we die.  
  
THE MUSIC CUTS TO THE CHORUS.  
  
VOICE(OS): Then you will die.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
A FOREST. EXPLOSIONS FILL THE AIR. WE SEE PHOEBE BEING FLUND THROUGH THE AIR BY A DEMON. SHE SCREAMS AS IT LEAPS ON HER.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
FOREST, DIFFERENT AREA. PIPER IS FIGHTING THREE DEMONS AT ONCE. SHE FREEZES TWO AND BLOWS UP THE THIRD. HER SMIRK DISAPPEARS AS THE TWO DEMONS UNFREEZE. SHE RUNS.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
FOREST. PRUE COMES FACE TO FACE WITH THE MOST GROTESQUE DEMON IN THE WORLD EVER.  
  
PRUE: So. This is it?  
SATAN: This is my world now.  
PRUE: I'll never let you take it.  
  
CUT TO: THE CHARMEDED TITLE SCREEN AGAIN. THE MUSIC HAS STOPPED.  
  
PHOEBE(OS): Prue!!!  
  
VOICE OVER DOOD: Charmeded, series three. Coming your way soon.  
  
SOUNDS OF WIND... SWOOSHING ABOUT. FADE TO BLACK.  
  
  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
JUST FOR THE EFFECT OF HOW FAST THIS ADVERT/COMMERCIAL GOES, HERE IS ALL THE SPEECH ON IT'S OWNIO.   
  
  
  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Prue. The eldest, claimed strongest, powerful. Piper. Emotional, loving, has long hair. Phoebe. The youngest. The most flamboyant, energetic, and unashamedly stupid one. These three sisters, the Charmeded Ones, once fought together against evil, demons, and Leo wearing pink... unmentionables. Then, something happened. They were separated.  
PRUE: Where're you going?  
PHOEBE: The past.  
VOICE OVER GUY: Somehow, some way through time, they got separated on their way into the past, and now must face the consequences.  
LEO: We've gotta get them back!  
COLE: But how?  
LEO: Well that's what we've gotta ffffffind out. We only have 72 hours.  
COLE: What?  
LEO: Because that's when Satan will rise.  
VOICE OVER GUY: Three sisters gone three separate ways, with only three days in which to bring them back.  
COLE: Why aren't They helping us?  
PHOEBE: Prue? Piper? Where are you?  
LEO: They say it's not meant to be!  
PRUE: Piper? Phoebe? Help me!  
PIPER: Prue? Phoebe!   
VOICE OVER GUY: So now you know their names.  
COLE: So Satan is gonna rise and we can't do a god damn thing about it? Screw that!  
COLE: (shouting) Then we're just gonna have to get them back without Their god damn help! We're gonna have to...  
PHOEBE: Ahhh Prue!  
COLE: We're gonna have to work together.  
LEO: Noooooooooooooooo!  
VOICE OVER GUY: Charmeded: The Show That Is Almost Charmed But Not Quite... is back.   
PHOEBE: We have got to stop this.  
PIPER: But how?  
DEVIL: It is almost time to rise master.  
PRUE: There's only one way. We fight. We fight until we die.  
VOICE: Then you will die.  
SCREAMS.  
PRUE: So. This is it?  
SATAN: This is my world now.  
PRUE: I'll never let you take it.  
PHOEBE: Prue!!!  
VOICE OVER GUY: Charmeded, series three. Coming your way soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Excited?   
kt 


	2. Pruelude: The Prophecy of the Charmeded ...

Note: for you jokers that don't already know, OS = Off Screen and VO = Voice Over.  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED SERIES 3: PRELUDE.  
  
BLACK.  
  
PRUE(OS): My sisters and I used to be normal.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
Int. MANOR - LIVING ROOM. THE ROOM IS EMPTY. PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PRUE(VO): You know, we did usual stuff.  
  
SUDDENLY PIPER AND PRUE JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND THE SOFA AND ATTACK PHOEBE, WHO YELLS AS THEY TUMBLE ABOUT.  
  
PRUE(VO): Sisterly stuff, carefree stuff.  
  
SOON, PRUE AND PIPER ARE HOLDING PHOEBE ON THE GROUND, LAUGHING AT HER FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO WIGGLE FREE.  
  
PRUE(VO): Then one day, it all shattered.  
  
THE IMAGE ON SCREEN FREEZES, AND SHATTERS (IT IS ALL EXTREMELY CHEESY).  
  
PRUE(VO): For we learned that we were witches, and not only, but we were also three witches destined to fill a prophecy. We discovered we had powers.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PIPER FREEZING JEREMY'S ASS.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PHOEBE HAVING A PREMONITION OF HER AND PIPER ROCKIN' THE CAS-BOMB  
  
CUT TO:   
  
PRUE TK'ING PHOEBE INTO THE WALL, AND THEN ONTO A NEARBY KNIFE.  
  
PRUE(VO): Not only were we real, supernatural witches, but we were... the chosen ones. These powers grew.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PIPER BLOWING UP SOME DEMON DOOD.  
  
PIPER: Oh my god!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PRUE ASS-TRAL (HEHE) PROJECTING FROM HER BED INTO PIPER'S BED. PIPER PUNCHES HER.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PHOEBE STANDING LOOKING AT MS HELLFIRE'S NOTEBOOK. SHE IS LOOKING HELPLESS AS USUAL.  
  
PHOEBE: Negligable?  
  
PRUE(VO): Soon, our whole world was in turmoil. We never knew what kind of evil would be thrown at us, from any angle. Sometimes it was all we could do to try to stay together.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PRUE TK'ING A BUNCH OF DRUMS OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD AND KICKING HER SO SHE ROLLS INTO THE WALL. CRASH!  
  
PRUE(VO): People we loved, and who loved us back-  
  
A LAUGH IS HEARD OFF SCREEN.  
  
PRUE(VO): Shut up! Uh, were tragically lost.  
  
CUT TO: BUCKLANDS GUY BEING KNOCKED OVER BY A VOLKSWAGON, WHICH THEN STOPS AND COLE CLIMBS OUT.  
  
PRUE(VO): There were times when we felt like we couldn't go on, that it was just so unfair we might desparately turn to the easily-accessible spell which vanquished our powers and turned us into ill-equipped men in the down-below department, but each time we managed to knock it back into ourselves-  
  
CUT TO:  
  
TENS OF TENS OF CLIPS OF THE SISTERS THWACKING EACH OTHER WITH VARIOUS OBJECTS; FISTS, PANS...  
  
PRUE(VO): We were witches, this wasn't no random pick'n'mix chance thing! This wasn't coincidence, serendipity or any other of those long word jargon-busters.  
  
...JELL-O, COMPUTERS, KNIVES, PIECES OF PAPER, BUILDINGS...  
  
PRUE(VO): So for two whole years, we have banded together to fight demons, warlocks, the urge to change sex, and evil in general. We were fulfilling our story, our prophecy, the prophecy of the three sister witches. We are known as The Charmeded Ones (Charmeded Ones repeats and echoes at least forty seven times). We have fought together, laughed and cried together. We have loved each other, more prominantely hated each other, and for what? How do we know that we're in the right? That our whole work over this past two years hasn't been just one big waste of time?  
  
FADE IN:   
  
PRUE IS STANDING LOOKING AT THE CAMERA, IN A CANDLE LIT ROOM. THERE IS A DOORWAY BEHIND HER, FILLED WITH SMOKE.  
  
PRUE: Conclusively, we don't. But in our hearts, we know.  
  
SHE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.  
  
PHOEBE(OS): They want solid proof, Prue! Hey! Get back here! 


	3. Phoebelude: How It's Effect Made Them Wh...

Phoebelude: How It's Effect Made Them Who They Are  
  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. SHRUGGING SHE TURNS BACK AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.  
  
PHOEBE: Phoebe Halliwell. Ex-normal person, ex-person with a life, ex-slut (who am I kidding), one third of the Charmeded Ones. I guess what Prue was saying... well that was kinda baffling there, and also soooo not us - Prue was trying to be all... what, biblical? Epic? Over-exaggerating? Anyway, yeah, we're the Charmeded Ones. Big deal! It's not like we're God or anything. Except Piper, she's my Goddess!  
PIPER(OS): Thanks honey!  
PHOEBE: Welcome! So yeah, true, our lives did become very hectic, but it's not like Prue wasn't grateful - this wiccan thing gave her something to do with all those hours Piper and I were on dates. Yeah, kick the odd demonic ass then spend the night with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in the tub or in front of a movie. Pretty sweet deal, huh?  
  
A BRICK IS UNEXPECTEDLY THROWN FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA. IT NARROWLY MISSES PHOEBE. DRAT!  
  
PHOEBE: Wow that was an unexpected narrow miss! Sheesh alright, I'm sorry! God! (to camera) I'm sorry - I apparently was going off course there. Jeez, just making conversation! Yeah, you see, the three of us each has her own little segment to present here; Prue's was the prophecy of the Charmeded Ones, mine is to talk about how it's affected us recently, and Piper... um... I guess hers is to stare at the wall, you know, her usual on-screen dramatic fabulousness! But anyway, onto my bit. Right, well, I guess I don't really have to say much, because if you watched that totally kick-ass commercial that was just before this, you would know what happened. We all got separated on our way into the past - we were going for no particular reason, just randomness - and got stuck. Of course, since the advert is almost a preview, I guess it's safe to tell you that...  
  
SHE FLICKS THROUGH A SCRIPT.  
  
PHOEBE: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, woah, woah, woah! I lose my woolly pink hat? No way! That's - that's a calamity! I'm not doing that! Oh right here we are. I'll just read it out for you, one of Leo's lines. Ahem. Oh-no-Phee-bee-and-Pie-per-are-trapped-in-sep-ar-ate-dim-en-sions-who-cares-about-Prue? And here's one of Coles. Hey-oh-dear-the-deh-vil-is-com-ing-uh-oh-we-bet-ter-find-the-sis-ters!   
  
SHE CLOSES THE SCRIPT.  
  
PHOEBE: And there you have it. So basically, we all got separated into different dimensions in the past, and now Satan is rising. Like I already said.  
  
ANOTHER BRICK IS THROWN. IT HITS PHOEBE'S LEG. SHE DOESN'T FLINCH.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey! Thank God that leg is fake! Oh, I mean... uh, good thing I'm on drugs or that would have hurt! Guess I'm straying again, yeah? Right. So, how becoming the Charmeded Ones has affected us and made us the super-duper people we are today. Um... well, I'm just gonna show you a bunch of video clips from the last two years.   
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 1.1 (THAT'S THE EPISODE THE CLIP IS FROM, BRAINIACS - ITS SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THE "INT. MANOR - DAY" CRAP COS OT TAKES AGES AND YOU JUST WANT THE DIALOGUE, DON'T YOU?)  
  
PIPER: So. What powers you got?  
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...  
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.  
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 1.2  
  
BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.  
PRUE: I know, so:  
  
PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE AND DRAGS HIM TO HER BEDROOM.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 1.5  
  
BUFFY TAKES OUT A CROSSBOW.  
  
PIPER: Oh my god!  
  
PIPER FREEZES BUFFY.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper! You can't do that to Buffy! She'll kick your ass!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 1.6  
  
PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!  
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 1.6  
  
LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.  
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?  
LEO: Satan.  
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!  
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.  
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 2.1  
  
PIPER: Oh my god! What happened?  
PHOEBE: You were killed by a big fluffy bunny!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 2.4  
  
PIPER: How come whenever anyone describes an Irish accent, they always call it 'lilting'?  
PRUE: What's brown and sticky? A stick!  
PHOEBE: I can talk to squirrels!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 2.5  
  
PHOEBE: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?  
PRUE: I love Prue?  
PHOEBE/PIPER: Where's my tractor!!!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
CHARMEDED 2.6  
  
PRUE: I started a new religion. Yeah - Prueism.  
PIPER: Count me in!  
PHOEBE: So I finally got round to actually making my own web site. It's called "The Charmeded Ones: Their Weaknesses And How To Take Advantage, Defeat Them Or Just Physically Kick Their Asses From Time To Time." Whaddya think?  
COLE: What's the address!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SUDDENLY THERE IS A NOISE LIKE A RECORD BEING STOPPED AND PHOEBE REAPPEARS ON SCREEN. SHE PUTS OUT HER DOOB HASTILY.   
  
PHOEBE: Uhhh... apparently the jokers behind the scenes think I was showing too many clips. Huh. They think I'm deterring you guys from simply going back and watching the old series. You have to flip back a lot of pages on the fanfiction website to find series one, I know that! Maybe we should repeat the series...  
COLE(OS): Nooooooo!  
PHOEBE: Alright, alright, 'honey'. Oh well, I don't got nothin' more to say to yous. Huh. See ya!  
  
SHE SKIPS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. WE HEAR COUGHING (THE SMOKE, REMEMBER?). 


	4. Piperlude: Stare At A Lot Of Walls And O...

Piperlude: Just Stare At A Lot Of Walls And Over-React At Every Possible Opportunity  
  
  
PIPER RANDOMLY WANDERS ON AND STARES AT THE WALL FACING AWAY FROM THE CAMERA. SHE IS STILL FOR A FEW MOMENTS.  
  
PIPER: I think Phoebe may have told you, but my role here is to indeed stare at the wall. What she didn't tell you was that it was also my job to over-react at every possible opportunity. But I'm not gonna do that, because simply I can't be assed. Oh, okay. Oh my God how is this happening I can't believe it now we're all gonna die what do we do help us Leo oh God oh God oh God no Satan is gonna get us help! . Happy now? Look, um, I guess the whole Satan thing is pretty scary, but you know... oh sh*t. Sh*t!!!  
LEO(OS): Man Pipey you gotta sort out that swearing problem!  
PIPER: (screaming like the day Prue and Phoebe pounded her head in) IT'S NOT A F*CKING PROBLEM YOU B*TCH IT'S A F*CKING HABIT AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SH*THEAD? NOT ALL GODDAMN HABITS ARE BAD, OKAY!?!  
  
WRITING ON THE SCREEN APPEARS, WHICH READS: NB. WE ASKED LEO TO SAY THIS BECAUSE IT REALLY GETS PIPER RILED, THEREFORE YOU HAVE A REACTION, AND NOW HER PART IS OVER.   
  
PIPER: Oh no, my part has just begun!  
  
LEO ENTERS AND STARTS TO 'ESCORT' HER ROUGHLY TO THE DOORWAY.  
  
PIPER: You can't silence the voice of Piper 'Serendipity' Halliwell! You can't get rid of meeeeee!  
  
HE HAS THROWN HER THROUGH THE DOORWAY.  
  
LEO: (to camera) Sheesh. Now you know what I have to put up with! And serendipity... that is so not the right middle name! Try it withOUT the fortunate part. Oh, then it would just be an accident... but I thought Phoebe was the accident...  
  
A BRICK NARROWLY MISSES HIM.  
  
LEO: Hey! With all the bricks out here I could build something!  
DIRECTOR(OS): Like what? A house for all your dollies?  
LEO: Yeah!  
  
HE REALISES THE DIRECTOR WAS TAKING THE PISS, AND SLOUCHES OFF SCREEN.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Soon, my little nootchies, soon.  
kt  
Oh! Go and look at my new script - Scream 4...0!  
Seriously - if you like Shannen Doherty you'll love it!!!  
It's in the films section, or you could also click on my name (I think)  
Cheers, m'dears. 


	5. An Attempted Interview: Never Trust The ...

CHARMEDED PRESS CONFERENCE: DOCUMENTATION TWO.   
  
EXT. ... SOME PLACE, 2000 HOURS (8pm, idium!)  
  
IT IS NIGHT, WE ARE IN A DESERT SOMEPLACE NORTH OF SOMEWHERE ELSE. AFTER A FEW NICE ESTABLISHING SHOTS (THE HARVEST MOON, A CACTUS, THE SAND, A MESSAGE IN THE SAND SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN WITH A STICK WHICH READS "ALYSSA MILANO DID IT ALL FOR THE COOKIE" AND "SHANNEN IS KING - I MEAN, QUEEN"). WE THEN CLOSE UP ON AN OLD ABANDONED HUT TYPE THING. FX: THE CAMERA BEGINS TO BE NATURALLY WALKED TOWARDS THE HUT. A HAND APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN. THERE IS A STARTLED GASP FROM INSIDE, AND AS THE HUT DOOR IS PUSHED OPEN, WE SEE SHANNEN DOHERTY AND HOLLY MARIE COMBS STANDING IN FRONT OF SOMETHING, HIDING IT. THE CAMERA DOOD SHIFTS WEIGHT. SHANNEN AND HOLLY LOOK SHOCKED, SHANNEN TAKES ON A DEFIANT LOOK.  
  
SHANNEN: I'm not gonna show you this, you know. Don't think that we're gonna move, you know, just so you can be all "ooh look I made them move" cos I'm Shannen Doherty and I'm strong. We're strong, right Combs? Never give up! They may take our lives, but they will never take our-  
  
SHE NOTICES THAT HOLLY MOVED ASIDE AGES AGO.  
  
SHANNEN: You goddamn traitor!  
  
THE CAMERA LOOKS AROUND HER TO SEE ALYSSA MILANO SITTING IN A CHAIR, BOUND AND GAGGED.  
  
KT(OS): Oh god you guys what are you doing?  
SHANNEN: Oh, nothing she can't handle!  
  
KT PUTS THE CAMERA DOWN AND WE SEE HER FEET RUNNING TOWARDS ALYSSA MILANO. KT TAKES HER GAG OFF (SOMETIMES KT IS IRRATIONALLY DIM-WITTED).  
  
ALYSSA: They told me they'd give me a chocolate chip cookie if I came and played with them in the hut.   
SHANNEN: Shut up, squeal!  
ALYSSA: But Shannen, you two were really mean to me!  
KT: Yeah? What exactly did they do to you?  
ALYSSA: Well maybe if you weren't avoiding looking at me for some reason...  
  
(KT LOOKS SLIGHTLY ABASHED)  
  
ALYSSA: ... then you'd see for yourself.  
  
KT SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY RAISES HER EYES TO HER FACE... AND BURST OUT LAUGHING. THERE ARE SCRIBBLES ALL OVER ALYSSA'S FACE.  
  
ALYSSA: Those b*tches drew on me!  
HOLLY: Hey! Don't call me a b*tch, b*tch!  
  
KT PICKS UP A MARKER AND WRITES "SERENDIPITY?" ON MILANO'S FACE. SHE THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS. SHE IS POSITIVELY PEEING HERSELF LAUGHING.  
  
SHANNEN: I don't get it.  
KT: Oh you wouldn't.  
SHANNEN: Huh?  
HOLLY: What an idiot, eh KT?  
SHANNEN: Hey Combs - you're supposed to be MY best friend!  
HOLLY: Here's lookin' at'cha!  
SHANNEN: What? What the hell does that mean?  
KT: Ha ha Shannen doesn't get anything anyone's saying! Idium!  
ALYSSA: I don't get it!  
HOLLY: Yeah, but you're a retard.  
KT: Anyway! I'm supposed to be interviewing you anyway, even though since I own this show (note - that's CharmedED KT owns - don't sue me!) it doesn't matter cos I could expose you guys without bothering with all this bullspit.   
HOLLY: Bull what?  
KT: Oh shut up. Okay, whatever, on with the damn interview type thing. Untie the ho.  
  
SHANNEN TK'S THE ROPE OF ALYSSA.  
  
KT: Wait... did I just see that?  
  
SHANNEN SHRUGS.  
  
SHANNEN: Uh... see what? It was just a dream!  
  
SHE STARTS WAVING HER ARMS AROUND, LOOKING EVEN MORE STUPID THAN USUAL.  
  
SHANNEN: You imagined that I actually do have powers, you imagined seeing me untie Alyssa Milano that way-  
HOLLY: You imagined having sex with Dryden from Alien Ant Farm last night-  
KT: Oh THAT was not imagined-  
ALYSSA: Or was it?  
  
THEY ALL START WAVING THEIR ARMS AT KT.  
  
ALL(EXCEPT KT, NATCH): It was a dream, KT, a dreeeeeeeaaaammmmm!  
KT: You know, maybe it was. I mean, Shannen doesn't have powers, it's her character! It would be a hell of a serendipity if you actually had those powers, then got a role playing someone who had them too. Although... it does explain why we never seem to use special effects, if you could do it yourselves..  
SHANNEN: Okay, this isn't working.  
  
SHE PICKS UP ALYSSA...'S CHAIR AND SMACKS KT OVER THE HEAD WITH IT (YOU WERE HOPING SHE WAS GONNA HIT HER WITH ALYSSA, EH?). KT FALLS TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS.  
  
KT: Owie...  
SHANNEN: Shut it, doofus, you're supposed to be knocked out!  
  
SHE KICKS KT.  
  
SHANNEN: Well, that's me beat her good. Damn, I hurt my foot on her cranium.  
  
HOLLY TOO KICKS KT (HOW COULD YOU HOLLY, I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING AFTER WE HAD OUR CHILD!)  
  
HOLLY: Owie! I hurt my foot on her uterus. Oh well, no more 'accident's for her.  
  
SHE SHUDDERS. ALYSSA ATTEMPTS TO KICK KT, BUT MISSES AND FALLS ON HER CANDY ASS.  
  
ALYSSA: Ow my ass!  
SHANNEN: God is that all you ever say?  
ALYSSA: Shannen, have you ever heard of something... ooh I forget what it's called - oh yeah - being NICE?  
HOLLY(dryly): Oh, burn.  
ALYSSA(genuinely): Thanks, friend!  
  
HOLLY SHUDDERS.  
  
SHANNEN: So what're we gonna do with the body?  
HOLLY: Look, idium, just because you beat someone up it doesn't mean they're dead!  
  
SHANNEN FEEL'S KT'S PULSE.  
  
SHANNEN: Okay, so I have no idea what I'm doing.  
ALYSSA: I seem to be getting deja-vu here!  
SHANNEN: That's because you never have any idea what you're doing. But I've got to get this right... I'm always right! I never... give... up!  
HOLLY: Shannen, you're not Prue remember, you're not a stuck up b*tch who has to do everything for herself or so she thinks.  
SHANNEN: You're right! You check if she's alive!  
HOLLY: What? No! I'm not you're monkey b*tch!  
SHANNEN: Do as I say.  
HOLLY: No way! You're 5 foot 3!  
  
SHANNEN GRABS HOLLY BY HER SHIRT AND PHYSICALLY LIFTS HER INTO THE AIR.  
  
SHANNEN: I'M FIVE FOOT FOUR, DAMMIT!  
HOLLY: O-okay, Shannen, what-ever, whatever you say! Stop shaking me! My brain feels funny!  
SHANNEN: It's called being you, a.k.a being retarded, dillhole!  
HOLLY: Right! Okay! Please, just put me down! I'll do what you want!  
  
SHANNEN DROPS HOLLY, WHO LANDS ON HER CANDY ASS.  
  
HOLLY: Ow my butt!  
SHANNEN: Shut up, loser.  
  
HOLLY LEANS OVER KT. SUDDENLLY SHE IS STRUCK BY A FLASHBACK.  
  
*  
  
KT AND HOLLY ARE IN THE HOSPITAL, LOOKING AT THE BABY GIRL IN KT'S ARMS.  
  
KT: It looks just like you.  
HOLLY: Which one?  
KT: Both of you!  
  
HOLLY AND NEVE CAMPBELL (!) PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER PROUDLY.  
  
KT: Yup. My daughter looks just like both of her fathers.   
NEVE: I'm so happy!  
HOLLY: Me too!  
  
THE FLASHBACK ENDS.  
  
*  
  
ALYSSA: What is it Holly?  
SHANNEN: Oh man, you had a flashback, didn't you?  
HOLLY: Uh, no! Course not!  
SHANNEN: Yes you did! Don't lie to me Combs, I can see right through you.  
ALYSSA: Yeah, it's like you don't even exist!  
  
THEY BOTH STARE AT MILAN- I MEAN, ALYSSA.  
  
ALYSSA: I didn'y say anything.  
SHANNEN: Combs, flashbacks are for losers who want sympathy. So shut the f*ck up, loser.  
HOLLY: I think you may have fleas.  
SHANNEN: You know, that's not funny, cos I think I do!  
ALYSSA: What's brown and sticky?   
ALL: A STICK!!!  
  
ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING.  
  
HOLLY: Man, I never get tired of those jokes.  
SHANNEN: What's blue and-  
HOLLY: Shut up! I'm tired of those jokes.  
SHANNEN: Fine! I'll make up a new one.  
  
THERE IS AT LEAST 10 MINUTES SILENCE (I WARN YOU, I AM REALLY MAKING THIS JOKE UP RIGHT NOW!).  
  
*OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I JUST CAME UP WITH A GREAT ONE!!!!! BUT WHO SHOULD I MAKE SAY IT...?*  
  
SUDDENLY KT COMES OUT OF HER... UNCONCIOUSNESS.  
  
KT: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?  
  
ALL LOOK AT HER EXPECTANTLY.  
  
KT: Nothing! It's a pillow, idiot!  
  
A DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. SHANNEN AND HOLLY BURST OUT LAUGHING ALONG WITH KT.  
  
ALYSSA: I don't get it!  
HOLLY: Oh bugger off, retard!  
  
ALYSSA PUTS ON HER SAD FACE. IT'S COMICAL, COS SHE'S NOT HAPPY. WHICH MAKES US HAPPY.  
  
SHANNEN: You know, KT, you're not so bad. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to modify all your memories to make you think I told that joke, so you'll all love me more.  
ALYSSA: What? No way!  
SHANNEN: Oh yes.  
  
SHANNEN GETS UP, PICKS UP THE CAMERA AND PLACES IT ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE THE HUT.   
  
SHANNEN(whispered): Bye bye.  
  
SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.  
  
THERE IS A PAUSE.  
  
SCREAMS ARE HEARD FROM INSIDE.  
  
THE SCREEN GOES ALL GREY AND FUZZY AS THE TAPE RUNS OUT.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Can anyone tell I'm sorta putting off the airing of series three?  
I'm working on it - I promise!  
Don't hurt me again!  
  
kt 


	6. Behind The Scenes, Fly On The Wall, What...

BEHIND THE SCENES OF CHARMEDED: INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO, FLY ON THE WALL, WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT.  
  
  
  
THE CAMERA IS TURNED ON, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS NO ONE KNOWS.  
  
WE ARE LOOKING AT A PART OF THE LIVING ROOM SET OF CHARMEDED (CAN YOU BELIEVE?), EXCEPT IT IS DIFFERENT. NEW FURNITURE IS BEING ADDED. THE DELIVERY MEN ALL CARRY THINGS ON SET, PUT THEM DOWN, ARRANGE THEM THEN GO AWAY.  
  
VOICE(OS): Guys - facing the other way! You got that angle at least 7 degrees wrong!  
  
THE OWNER OF THE VOICE, ONE HOLLY MARIE COMBS (PICKET FENCES, CHARMED) WALKS INTO VIEW, AND NOW OUR BEHIND THE SCENES SCENE TRUELY BEGINS.  
  
HOLLY: Okay, look, if I'm gonna actually stay for this series of Charmeded, then there's gonna be a few little 'adjustments'.  
  
ALYSSA MILANO (VARIOUS PORN) ENTERS.  
  
ALYSSA: Holly, don't you love working on the show any more?  
HOLLY: Alyssa, sweetie, Shannen Doherty taught us that you have to threaten people in order to get what you want in life.  
ALYSSA: Yeah, but aren't you being a bit... I dunno...  
  
SHE FLICKS THROUGH A THESAURUS.  
  
ALYSSA: ... extreme? I mean, in all seriousness, you could easily be replaced by, well, a lamp post.  
HOLLY: Well, you could be replaced by a... a...   
  
SHE GRABS PHOEBE'S THESAURUS.  
  
HOLLY: A... this! This thesaurus could replace you, although it totally wouldn't be suited to your character. You'd be better off being played by a kids '1-2-3-a-b-c' book.  
ALYSSA: Really?  
HOLLY: Or a walking c*nt  
SHANNEN(OS): Holly! You know I hate the 'C' word.  
ALYSSA: What's the 'C' word?  
  
SHANNEN DOHERTY (ALL THE CLASSIC FILMS - MALLRATS, HEATHERS, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK , TV'S CHARMED) ENTERS.  
  
SHANNEN: Holly just said it, dipsh*t.  
ALYSSA: What, 'walking'?  
  
HOLLY SLAPS HER HEAD.   
  
HOLLY: Ow!  
SHANNEN: Idium.  
HOLLY: Hey I thought you were gonna try harder to be nice to me, so we can pass off pretending to be best friends.  
SHANNEN: Yeah, well, then I remembered who you are.  
HOLLY: Anyway, besides, in case you didn't know, I do actually live on the set of Charmeded because I'm that crap I don't have a home of my own. So I should make it nice, shouldn't I?  
SHANNEN: Ha ha! I'm so rich, I could buy this place about 50 times! More, even! Stop looking at me like a poverty ridden rodent, Combs, I ain't giving you any of my sweet, sweet moolah.  
ALYSSA: Shannen isn't nice.  
HOLLY: I know, honey, I know.  
SHANNEN: Serendipity?  
HOLLY: Although she does come up with some FANTASTIC jokes! Ha ha what did the pillow say to the other pillow?  
SHANNEN: Nothing you f*cking retard - it's a pillow!  
ALYSSA: Ha! That IS funny! I don't get it.  
HOLLY: Seriously, Shannen, that one joke entitles you to the label "comical prodigy"  
SHANNEN: I am a comical prodigy, amen't I?  
  
SHE TURNS AROUND AND SNICKERS KNOWINGLY. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT AWAY WITH MODIFYING OUR MEMORIES AND STEALING MY JOKE! I REMEMBER, THOUGH, JUST LET SHANNEN WAIT...  
  
ALYSSA: I believe the correct term is "aren't I".  
  
BOTH STARE AT ALYSSA. AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ENSUES.  
  
SHANNEN: Anyway...  
ALYSSA: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?  
HOLLY: F*cking nothing you goddamn f*cking retard - it's a pillow you stoopid sh*t-faced idium!  
SHANNEN: Woah Holly, that 'HABIT' is getting a bit unhealthy.   
HOLLY: IT'S NOT A HABIT IT'S A... a... a... um... what?  
SHANNEN: Ha! You dummy! I caught your ass out good! You're so used to it being called a problem that I mixed you up and now you look like a retard! God I wish there were more people around to see that...  
HOLLY: Screw you.  
SHANNEN: Maybe I will!  
  
SHANNEN SKIPS AWAY LAUGHING.  
  
ALYSSA: Where's she off to?  
  
HOLLY LOOKS AT HER.  
  
ALYSSA: Ew...  
  
BRAIN KRAUSE (IF THERE'S ANYTHING, I DON'T KNOW. DON'T TELL ME IF YOU KNOW, IT WON'T MAKE A DAMN DIFFERENCE) ENTERS.  
  
BRIAN: Hey honey.  
HOLLY/ALYSSA: Hey!  
  
HOLLY AND ALYSSA GIVE EACH OTHER EVILS.  
  
BRIAN: So... this place is... uh... different.  
HOLLY: You dissin' it?  
BRIAN: No, no. I like it! Or do I...?  
  
HE FALLS ONTO THE MASSIVE LEATHER SOFA.  
  
BRIAN: Mmm... leathery.  
  
ALYSSA PICKS UP HIS LEGS AND SITS UNDER HIM, PUTTING HIS LEGS OVER HERS. HOLLY QUICKLY SITS AT THE OTHER SIDE, RESTING HIS HEAD ON HER LAP.  
  
ALYSSA: You know, it's be really nice to have sex on this sofa!  
HOLLY: Well, why don't I call your dog and you can give it a shot!  
BRIAN: Ladies! Ladies, there's plenty Brian for all-  
  
JULIAN MCMAHON (PROB SOME AUSTRALIAN STUFF. I DON'T KNOW, DAMMIT!) ENTERS. BEFORE BRIAN HAS FINISHED HIS SENTENCE HE FINDS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR AS THE GIRLS STAND UP TO GREET JULIAN.  
  
HOLLY: Hi Julian!  
ALYSSA: Hi Cole, I mean Belthazor, I mean Cole, I mean... what's your name again?  
JULIAN: The name's Beast. Sexy Beast.  
ALYSSA: Okay Beast!  
JULIAN: Please, call me Sexy.  
ALYSSA: Okay Sexy!  
HOLLY: Julian, you know she doesn't understand what you mean.  
JULIAN: Yeah, but it's fun being called that. Wanna f*ck?  
HOLLY: Well, I'm not usually that forward, and I hate it when people call it f*cking, but sure!  
  
HOLLY WALKS OVER BRIAN AND SHE AND JULIAN DASH OFF SCREEN.  
  
ALYSSA: What are they gonna do?  
BRIAN: They're gonna have sex.  
  
HE GETS UP AND SITS NEXT TO ALYSSA.  
  
BRIAN: As usual, all for Julian, none for Brian.  
  
THERE'S A LONG PAUSE.  
  
ALYSSA: What did you say they were gonna do? I forgot.  
BRIAN: Jesus you little idium! They're gonna have sex, they're gonna do it, kapeesh?  
ALYSSA: Sure, I get it.  
  
THERE'S ANOTHER PAUSE.  
  
ALYSSA: What's sex?  
  
BEAT.  
  
BRIAN: Uh, it's too hard to explain. How about I show you?  
ALYSSA: Okay!  
  
THEY EXIT AS SHANNEN ENTERS.  
  
SHANNEN: Man that was- hey where'd everybody go? Hello? Does anybody hear me?  
  
A LIGHTBULB APPEARS ON HER HEAD. IT'S WIERD, SINCE THIS ISN'T A CARTOON. SHE DUCKS BEHIND THE SOFA AND COME OUT WITH A MICROPHONE THAT SAYS 'KT' ON IT. SHE SINGS INTO IT.  
  
SHANNEN: Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me?  
  
HOLLY, JULIAN, ALYSSA AND BRIAN ENTER.  
  
ALL: YES now shut the f*ck up!  
  
ALL EXIT.  
  
SHANNEN: Okay... gee I'm bored. Now what can a huge global superstar like me do when she's bored? Oh I know! Count my moolah!   
  
SHE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.  
  
SHANNEN: Hey is that camera on?  
CAMERA: Uh... no.  
SHANNEN: Hey check it out! The camera can talk! I can make even MORE money with this! No, what are you doing?  
  
THE CAMERA IS HOPPING TO THE END OF THE TABLE.  
  
SHANNEN: Don't do it! I need cash to make up for my love life or lack thereof!  
  
THE CAMERA LEAPS OFF THE TABLE. WE SEE THE GROUND ZOOMING UP INTO THE SCREEN. CRACK!  
  
*Since the camera killed itself, this is der end. G'bye*  
  
  
  
  
"See Scream 4...0, it's a hoot! Starring Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Shannen Doherty as 'Prue' and many more top quality actors!"  
Quote by KT. 


End file.
